95% of You Could be Wrong

Dennis Markuze/David Mabus/Batshit Insane Moron is Back

2010-12-15T10:27:00.000-06:00

It appears everyone's favorite copy/paste troll is back to load up blogs with spelling errors, lots of underscores and asterisks.

I noticed he's commenting on Facebook pages again; meaning he either moved or learned how to use proxy servers.

You have been warned.

Stupid Thing People Say - "America: Love it or Leave it"

2010-09-20T12:59:00.000-05:00

This one is really going to bend the Dale Earnhardt caps and peel back the Calvin pissing stickers on the F-750s of the flag-waving redneck crowd, but for the love of Hee-Haw:

Stop using this idiotic phrase.

Unless of course you love everything that "America" does. Let's take Bill here. I'm sure that Bill was thrilled that a black Democrat was voted President of the United States. And since it was by a large majority, that means most of the country's voting citizens were thrilled by it. So love it or leave it, and SUPPORT SHERIFF JOE!

One thing I love about these United States is the fact I don't have to love everything about these United States and I have the right not only to hold these beliefs but profess them on these Interwebs. My feeling is more along the lines of "(The United States of) America: Deal With it or Leave it".

The fact is, what you are really saying is "America: Agree With Me or Leave it" when one of the best parts of living in this country is our right not to agree with whatever asinine position you hold. And my response to you is "Ryan: Blow Me or Leave Me Alone".

MY SKEPTICZ IZ BETTAR THN UR SKEPTICZ!!!1!1

2010-09-03T11:25:00.000-05:00

Let's just say I was "out of town" for a while and didn't get the memo. Like most cool kids, I'm always late to parties.

Recently I've been made aware of this weird group of new writers identifying themselves as skeptics who came out in droves basically telling people like me that we're doing it wrong. We need to stop being "mean". One of these writers in particular resorted to trickery and deceit to try and defend and promote the position he and his sock puppets held.

Just because I identify myself as a critical thinker doesn't mean that I'm on a crusade to join a skeptical "movement" that has no clearly defined goals I'm aware of. Yes, we may all agree that Sylvia Browne can not speak to the ethereal egos of dead people. We may even agree that we hope other people will realize this so she and other charlatans are exposed as deluded or even frauds. One way of doing this is to take their claims and present thouroughly researched evidence as to why they are bogus.

But sometimes I just feel like saying that Sylvia Browne is a pus-filled ass boil.

No claim refuted, just good old fashioned disgust for another skidmark on the underwear that is humanity.

That's why claims like this piss me off:

If you really want to counter [woo belief], choose one of the claims [woo] makes, do some research, and write a nice blog entry showing where [they go] wrong and what the evidence says, but do not resort to ad-hominem attacks. We are skeptics and we ought to be better than that.

Since no evidence for the claim is provided, my critical thinking mind leads me to believe this dude just likes the sound of his own voice so he made up a position he likes the sound of, puts a "King of the Skeptics" hat on and proceeds to proclaim this postion as superior to other methods. Or, to put it another way, HIZ SKEPTICZ R BETTAR THN UR SKEPTICZ!!!1!1

What this guy doesn't realize is that sometimes being an asshole is not only fun, but gets one's point across with brevity and (hopefully) wit.

For example, Don is still getting moronic responses to an article he wrote about a particular snake oila year ago. The article and it's pursuant comments have time and again explained not only that science says this snake oil is useless, but that the anecdotes provided by the believers are worthless as evidence. That doesn't stop the idiots from coming out in droves to repeat the same arguments that were debunked a hundred times.

So maybe we can take a different approach: spray on a good thick coat of smart-ass. Even if the original commenter can't see how lame she is, an observer with half a brain can and may be swayed by this method rather than the nicey-nice championed by guys like Skepdude.

My last example may be the most frightening. See, I've been writing blog articles for about five years now which is four and a half years longer than most people. And back in my day, we roasted moronic trolls not only for fun but also to show fence-sitting observers how silly their beliefs were. The most beloved of our pets was Cocksnack. I asked Cocksnack something to the effect of

If there were no god, and therefore no Bible to provide your moral compass, would you start killing people?

His response? Yes, if there were no god and therefore no Bible, he would probably just kill people.

Rather than writing a "nice blog entry" about where he goes wrong, I just told him to hold onto that god belief for dear fucking life.

The point is, bombast is what convinced me. Others making fun of silly beliefs is what made me question my own silly beliefs. Do I want people to start thinking critically? Absolutely. Am I trying to do so in every blog article I post? Absolutely not.

Now quit trying to tell me what to do and how to do it fucktards.

I Don't Care About the Skeptical "Movement"

2010-09-01T16:28:00.000-05:00

My blood boils when assholes try to tell me what to do. Over at Tom's place, he's got another douchebag basically saying that "we're doing it wrong".

Sometimes when I write or speak, I do so for entertainment. So if I feel like saying "people who believe in ghosts are tards" or "Jenny McCarthy is a magnanimous twat who knows nothing about medicine", I'm doing it because I feel like saying it, not because I'm trying to convince anyone that I'm right.

Barack Obama is a moron for running his mouth about the AZ immigration bill before reading it.

No, I don't feel like repeating what he said. Yes, I've read the bill. The whole little tiny thing. And yes, he said some asinine, non-factual things about it.

I'm not trying to prove anything; just make a statement. Something that the "skeptics" out there sometimes forget that other people do sometimes.

Nickelback sucks.

No, I'm not going to write a dissertation on why they suck; they just do. Agree with me or flame me.

There is no Bigfeet. Get over it morons.

No, I don't care if I'm hindering your skeptical "movement" by being mean. What's more, I don't give a rat's ass if it helps your movement either.

This is exactly why I had such a long hiatus from blogging the last year or two. This blog is for me to say what's on my mind, not support this new "movement" created by a bunch of pussy-footing pastoral wannabe tyrants. Maybe I feel like telling the world that Glen Beck is a tool, or that Rebecca Rosen's "powers" are useless even if they are real. Which, for the record, they are not.

Sylvia Browne is a fat bitch.

I don't think I'll have much trouble getting resounding agreement to that statement.

In the end, I consider myself a skeptic for the simple reason that I do not accept any claim or belief as true without some sort of empirical proof. Am I wrong for posting my opinion? I'd like the skeptics and Tru Bleevers out there both to understand one thing:

If someone makes a claim and has no evidence to back it up, I am free to make fun of them until they do so.

Believe that.

Happy Draw Muhammad Day!

2010-05-20T08:42:00.000-05:00

In honor of Draw Muhammad Day, I have created a masterpiece. After five minutes using the amazing MS Paint Application, I give you the closest approximation of the visage of the Holy Muhammad Your Rockstar's feeble infidel hand could muster:

I've "picked on" (ie pointed out how silly) Xian beliefs for a long time now, so it's only fair I demonstrate my belief that all forms of magical thinking are ridiculous.

My reasons for participating in Draw Muhammad Day rely only partially on poking fun at Muslims though. See, there's a group of people out there who think that I not only have to accept their right to believe what they want (which I do), but to hold their beliefs in reverence and either threaten to kill me or fly a plane up my ass if I don't. That I will not do. This is my way of saying "take your global theocracy, stick it on an iron rod and fornicate with it".

2% Co Activate!

2010-05-18T11:18:00.001-05:00

I know there are a lot of folks out there who share my love of a good 2% Company troll ass-smacking. I just wanted to point out they've made a brief but entertaining return.

Grab some popcorn and enjoy simple-minded donna get mad about the fact that she chose to visit a site where they say "fuck" and "shit".

Marvel at the straw man she sets up by saying

The choice of traditional treatments and/or alternative treatments should be left up to the individual.

as if anyone has stated otherwise. The Two-Percenters sum it up well by letting this idiot know that

Of course it should be left up to the individual, donna. Our site is all about making sure people are allowed to do whatever they want to do (as long as they don't trample on anyone else's right to do the same thing).

[snip]

What we do here is all about helping people to make an informed decision precisely so that they can do whatever they want to do, but armed with the facts. You seem to want them to blindly stumble through life, assuming that choice A is always as valid as choice B, and that just isn't so. This isn't fucking "chocolate or vanilla," here, you pathetic slime.

They also point out that people who hold donna's opinion are sometimes in charge of the healthcare treatment of those who are unable to make that choice, such as children or the elderly. Just one more reason why using that ridiculous, "I have no evidence so I'll try to make you look like a jerk" what's the harm "argument" is so galactically stupid.

Cordiality and Respect

2010-05-13T12:58:00.000-05:00

I'd like to paraphrase a few things I've read on the ol' Nternets today.

Since when did "being cordial" require you to listen to someone's bullshit and allow them to continue?

Since when did "being respectful" mean that you can't apply the same scrutiny to said bullshit that you would to other beliefs?

Stupid Thing People Say #9 - I Was Skeptical at First, But Then...

2010-05-10T15:21:00.001-05:00

How many times have you wanted to sucker punch the next person who basically tells you that they thought about something critically for a while but one day just decided to leave their brain at home in a jar?

Typically "I was skeptical at first..." is a rhetorical device to make the listener think that the person saying it scrutinized whatever silly belief they profess, only to come out a Tru Bleever™.

Unfortunately, they don't remain skeptical throughout the process and jump straight to some extraordinary conclusion which typically creates more questions than it answers.

I saw one of those terrible spook-u-mentaries on The History Channel today about The Shroud of Turin (Torino for non-xenophobes). One of the "researchers" said he "was skeptical at first" but somehow took that leap of faith that all Tru Bleevers take; disregarding all known and yet to be discovered natural solutions.

If this person had remained skeptical throughout, he'd take confirmation bias and wishful thinking into account. He'd also consider natural explanations such as medieval "photography".

But he wanted to believe. And, much like most of our fellow humans, the desire to Bleeve (accept extraordinary claims sans extraordinary evidence) caused him to skip over the entirety of human history to get to his desired conclusion.

I'm a Bad Atheist/Skeptic/Critical Thinker/Other Label You Made Up

2010-05-06T14:08:00.002-05:00

I'm getting tired of all the holier than thou assheads out there telling me I'm not doing it right. Contrary to (what seems to be) popular belief, I represent all skeptics about as well as Wayne Brady represents all black people.

If what anyone writes does not fit your conception of "skeptic", then go somewhere they write articles that do. You can even get together with the rest of the activists and fellate one another while laughing at how dumb that Rockstar guy is.

This was prompted by this nitpicker who said that he understood the author's intent and almost said he agreed with it, but still found need to say he's doing it wrong.

Update 05-12-10:

The guy came back and commented that he was wrong. That takes big man-sized balls, and is exactly what the morons will never do.

I'd be Happy to Tell You Why [Woo] is Nonsense. But First...

2010-04-19T16:21:00.000-05:00

There is a time and a place that I will be happy to discuss with someone why there probably is no god/gods/Gorlock the Mighty/Thor. I would also be happy to tell you why astrology and homeopathy don’t work and why psychics are self-deluded or frauds.

But we have to agree on a few things or else it’s worthless.

1. The scientific method is the best way of describing things and explaining how the universe works. If you have a better way, you’ll need to put it forth with evidence.

2. "Faith" (holding an extraordinary belief without extraordinary evidence) is completely different from holding a position based on evidence or the lack thereof. If you have trouble understanding this, please see Doggerel #16 You should actually read them all, but I won't hold my breath.

3. We need to agree on what you could show me to change my mind (describe your woo, what observable effects it creates and how could we test it to make sure it really is your woo creating said effects) and what would convince you to change your position.

If you don't put forth the very minimal effort to grant these requests, then I really have no desire to discuss my viewpoint with you. More than likely you'll just testify or witness to me. Which is the same as wasting several minutes of my time.

Keep Reminding the Pope Raping Children is Wrong

2010-04-15T20:21:00.000-05:00

Joey Ratz never ceases to amaze me with the excrement that comes out of his mouth. He addressed the Holy Child Rape scandal at an over-achieving Thursday mass today, but didn't admit any responsibility or even apologize to the victims.

No, they are the victims.

"I must say, we Christians, even in recent times, have often avoided the word 'repent', which seemed too tough..."

"We Christians"? The last time I checked, raping children wasn't a huge issue in the Methodist, Lutheran, Baptist or Presbyterian circles. Remember to speak for yourself Popey-poo; most of those other groups I mentioned also think you're just some old dude in a nightgown wearing a funny hat.

"But now under attack from the world, which has been telling us about our sins ... we realize that it's necessary to repent, in other words, recognize what is wrong in our lives," Benedict said.

Read that again. The Pope, the moral guide for a majority of the Christian religion, needed the world to tell him that molesting children is wrong.

He needs the fucking world to tell him that putting your hoo-hoo dilly near a kid is wrong.

But it took an attack to make him realize it.

If that's really what it takes Joe, rest assured I will lay into your stupid fucking church, all it's silly magical beliefs and all the harm they cause until I no longer draw breath.

"The pain of repentance, which is a purification and transformation, is a grace because it is renewal and the work of divine mercy..."

I wouldn't know since I don't have to answer to some thing I made up that will burn me in fire forever. But I hope it hurts like hell.

Fucking pompous asshole. (_!_)

Fox News Falls for Pareidolia

2010-04-15T10:23:00.000-05:00

Recently, Fox News ran a scare piece on the show "Fox and Friends" comparing the symbol for the Nuclear Security Summit to the crescent shape found on some Muslim nation's flags. Like the flag of Algeria:

No, I don't see it either, but this batshit insane idiot did. So our Friends at Fox promptly scoop their brains out, throw them on the floor and take this as the opportunity to prove that our current president wants to take The Ayatollah on a Rodeo Drive shopping spree followed by a bit of patty-cake.

Of course, Jon Stewart was all over this bullshit like a fat kid on a cupcake.

What fails to get mentioned in even the most well constructed take down of this lunacy is the effect of pareidolia on people.

From The Skeptic's Dictionary:

Pareidolia is a type of illusion or misperception involving a vague or obscure stimulus being perceived as something clear and distinct.

This is the same illusion that makes people see Jeezus in a cracker or Mary With a Cherry on a tortilla.

So the fact-checkers (if there are any) at Fox News are being completely dishonest. Either they have fallen for this common misperception, making them intellectually dishonest, or they are willfully ignoring the true meaning of the symbol in order to spread their ridiculous notions.

The true model for the emblem? As anyone with even a cursory science education can see,

is the model of a hydrogen atom. Like Fox said - you be the judge.

The Bible Believer Challenge

2010-04-11T17:53:00.000-05:00

I have an honest question for believers who claim that The Bible is the self-authored inerrant word of God.

Why does God need translation?

I've never heard anyone claim that the original texts of the books of The Bible are still around. I have heard the claim that the current text orginates from Ancient Greek translations.

Do any of you read Ancient Greek? No? Then how do you know that the translations are correct?

Faith goes a looong way, I guess.

The Woo-Woo Definition of "Science"

2010-04-09T10:37:00.000-05:00

I've noticed that when someone writes a post asking people to think critically and apply logic to a really bad idea, some true believer is bound to show up.

One of my favorite types of true believers are the ones that say they agree with us and use the scientific method. So we should accept their opinion that their particular Gris-gris is perfectly acceptable.

My recent run-in with this type was over at Jimmy Blue's place.

The woo basically said that since he believed in the scientific method, his beliefs are valid. Unfortunately he didn't understand that one actually has to apply said method to your belief.

So that has led me to ask myself "what do woos think science is?"

Well, they don't require testing (thereby forgoing any replication of results) and don't require any evidence produced by the scientific method (which is of course, the best way we know how to describe things and explain how the universe works) and most of the time they ignore any contradictory evidence. So this leads me to my conclusion.

The Woo-Woo Definition of Science

I can make up whatever I like the sound of and if other people agree with me, I'm right.

Psychics and Mediums are Cold Readers. That is All.

2010-04-08T14:13:00.001-05:00

Since there is absolutely no evidence that spirits exist, it seems even less probable that channeling them is possible. I personally believe that most people claiming to be mediums are actually talented cold readers. Cold reading basically involves gaining information from a willing subject from a series of vague, rapid-fire questions or statements and repeating the information back, coercing the subject to believe the information has been divined of some special power. If you pay careful attention though, the willing subject pays attention only to the "hits" or things the cold reader said that the subject believed had personal significance. The other statments are either disregarded, stated to be significant at some other time, or attributed to another subject. Very willing subjects will even confirm the "misses" as significant when, to the critical listener they were completely wrong.

You'll also notice that cold readers gain all their information from the subject themselves. Rather than make bold statements such as "Your grandfather Bill is here with me and would like you to give his police captain's hat to your daughter Jenny", the cold reader will ask questions like "Whos birthday is in July" and wait for the subject to search their minds for someone who has a birthday in July. The subject then gives the "psychic" information.

Other times, they simply throw out random information and wait for the subject to validate it for them. "I'm seeing bees. Like honeybees?"

What does this mean? Did the subject or someone they know get stung by a bee? See a bee? Eat Honeynut Cheerios for breakfast?

Maybe the "medium" really is being shown a vision of bees by the echo of a dead person's spirit. Or maybe they lying. Or maybe they really do see bees caused by delusion. I know which one I believe is more likely than the rest.

Transcript of Rebecca Rosen on the Dr. Don Show

2010-04-08T13:28:00.004-05:00

On January 29th, 2010 self-proclaimed psychic medium Rebecca Rosen was inteviewed by telephone on the Dr. Don Show, the morning program on 99.5 WYCD in Detroit, MI.

You can listen to the interview here.

I was unable to find any transcriptions of her many appearances on radio and television, and felt it necessary to post this for posterity. I'm interested in this person a little moreso than other people who claim psychic powers since we're both from the same city.

I've never transcribed anything, so the punctuation ranges from bad to non-existant. From what I can tell, the four people involved are Dr. Don, Steve Grunwald, Rachel Hunter and Rosen. I have only included the portion of the interview relative to her claimed abilities.

*I will be pointing out the cold reading tactics this woman uses in a later post*

Rebecca Rosen on The Dr. Don Show

STEVE Is there anything weird about me Rebecca this is Grunwald I mean is there anything that's coming through loud and clear like prison time or anything like that

ROSEN Oh gosh are you sure you wanna know

DR. DON I'm sure he wants to know, yeah.

STEVE You can tell me anything. It doesnt matter just let it go

ROSEN Ok so just that you know, it doesn't necessarily work that way but what is your first name

STEVE Steve

ROSEN Steve?

STEVE Yeah Steven - Steve Grunwald.

ROSEN Steve, Steve, Steve ok well as I hear your name everybody's energy's in their name and what I get is -has your father passed Steve?

STEVE ah mentally yes

DR. DON mentally (laughs) (crosstalk)

STEVE physically he's still alive

ROSEN no that doesn't count

STEVE he's still around

ROSEN ok theres heart attack heart issue with a father figure around you and its about you you need to watch your diet

STEVE yeah

DR. DONRD PARTY you know the heart problem would actually come from his stepdad (crosstalk)

STEVE my stepdad's had a lotta problems

ROSEN yeah

STEVE with his heart and things like that

ROSEN well here's your message it's looking at the father figure with the heart problem and showing you this is a wake up call for you to really be on top of taking better care of yourself and um do you play the guitar

STEVE no

DR. DONRD PARTY (laughs)

RACHEL only in his head you know he's looking at about doing the polar bear plunge and he's afraid he's gonna have a heart attack so maybe he shouldnt do it

ROSEN (laughs) i don't think thats it no i don't think that's it truly im getting like your choices day to day uh do you have a weight problem

STEVE well why're you laughing rachel well you know what i'm trying to get into shape

DR. DON im laughing cause she's laughing

STEVE i just got a trainer and stuff

ROSEN ok well that right there sums up you're do - you're on the right road to taking better care of yourself but they're showing me this caution with you and that's really important is its not about (inaudible) this is about you're health

STEVE yeah

ROSEN ok

STEVE well what else

ROSEN ok so um your father has not passed but hes getting the father who died died of cancer um do you know who j is j as in

STEVE j

ROSEN like a john

STEVE um

ROSEN you know heres what im gonna tell you when im in an (inaudible)ience ok if you were sitting around five other people this may not be for you so meaning anybody in the studio right now this might be for you

STEVE rachel has a husband named uh jay but my my real father my biological father is a you know three pack a day smoker

RACHEL my father died of cancer and his name is john

ROSEN thats it

STEVE well well there you go

ROSEN well thats what i just said j as in john. so john is here who died of cancer thats the father alright so i know you want me connect with to STEVE but thats not happening alright so this is rachel your dad

RACHEL yeah my fathers name is john harmon he passed from cancer pancreatic cancer in 1988

ROSEN ok hes standing here screaming you know j as in john its not we're not talking about your husband we're talking about your dad now what he wants you to know is that hes hes been following you ok and what that means is hes completely at peace on the other side hes not a ghost hes choosing to keep one foot in this world because he wants to feel close to you and hes very proud of you and how do you have children ?

RACHEL yes

ROSEN its about you as um the mother and wanting you to know that hes watched you and um is this a daughter

RACHEL yes its my daughter yeah

ROSEN ok there is one that you lost which means did you miscarry a child at one point

RACHEL yeah i did

ROSEN ok all i know is it wouldve been a boy its a completely different (inaudible) you know sometime they want you to know that so if you ever have this feeling there shouldve been another or there

STEVE thats crazy

RACHEL you know thats crazy

DR. DON i tell you what youve got her completely floored over here because you're nailing it

RACHEL we have a a girl locally who does similar has a similar talent as you and she just said to me two months ago did you have a miscarriage and it was it was a boy

RACHEL yeah well there you go and the reason we would both pick up on that is this little (inaudible) obviously it still looking at you like a mom and

RACHEL aw

ROSEN didn't need to physically be here to benefit from that but is around you um and it said to talk about the bird so the bird is your dad assigned from him to you something bizzare I always tell people we all see birds ok

RACHEL yeah

ROSEN but this would have to be a bird that just ran into your window a week ago um a bird you know something unique and if you don't understand that right now (inaudible) well they

RACHEL well you know its funny because about six months ago we had a big bird through the big window in the front of our house and we had a big imprint of a bird like a silhouette that had just flew with its arms spread out

ROSEN yeah that was

RACHEL and it was imprinted in our front window above our front door for months

ROSEN that was your dad (laughs)

RACHEL and we finally like had to have a window (inaudible) its you know its so high up we didn't have a ladder we had to have a company and clean that window now i feel bad that i cleaned it

ROSEN no thats ok but now you understand that was an ordeal you didn't overlook that he got his message across and what else hes trying to say to you im here and he loves you and

RACHEL thats wild

ROSEN (inaudible) yeah and im supposed to talk about the other father that died so i dont know if you have another man who was like a father to you that passed on but with your father uh this would either have to be grandfather um

STEVE well shes adopted

ROSEN oh

RACHEL im adopted so my birth father could've passed on both my grandfathers are dead also

ROSEN let me let me try and get a name here um you know a charles charlie

STEVE charlie charles

RACHEL no but if its my birth parent i dont know his name

DR. DON he doesnt she doesnt know the birth parents crosstalk

RACHEL (inaudible) the first information ive heard about my birth parents

ROSEN ok thats very hard to validate validate so what i will just say to you is (inaudible) that no no im sorry its not a birth fa- it would have to be his father because hes looking up and thats my sign for grandfather but dads dad ok now im supposed to bring up the happy birthday which means um it just happened or is about to within a month of right now and this is your father acknowledging either you or acknowledging him whose birthday's january february

RACHEL uh my sister i have we have a little sister whose birthday is the 16th

ROSEN ok and so its coming up and hes doing this make sure she hears this um and then im supposed to reference now his mother has passed on

RACHEL yes yes

ROSEN cause hes standing with the grandmother to you and was she extremely religious

RACHEL yeah

ROSEN cause shes showing me the cross and its my sign for her belief in god um obviously just wanting you to know its helped her transition you were not you did not have closure with your grandma you didnt get to say goodbye

RACHEL no

ROSEN ok something about um she knows you loved her even if that happened and then im supposed to bring who's nana or anna

RACHEL (laughs) thats well well my my mother in law my daughter calls her other grandmother nana but thats what my husband called his his grandmother

ROSEN ok but she died nana husband's

RACHEL yes

ROSEN grandmother nana died thats who's talking here right now

RACHEL oh ok

DR. DON thats actually what i called my breakfast too was nana like banana

(laughter)

(crosstalk)

STEVE way to ruin the vibe Don

DR. DON sorry about that

ROSEN(laughs) ok so so the bottom line is you have an i guess for rachel you are the one who has the crowd of this the dead people around you

RACHEL well you know ive had orbs thats why kelly kelly mcleod was at my house and she read all this stuff because weve had orbs showing up and and these pictures lately only on special occasions it seems to be my daughter my daughter whenever there's a special occasion a birthday party whatever theres orbs that show up in the pictures and

ROSEN ok that's

RACHEL things like lights are turning on and off in the house

ROSEN yeah thats because you guys are conduits and lot some people are just more appealing than others for the spirits (crosstalk) its just easier to get through you so they come to you uh not to be afraid of it because its all positive energy

RACHEL yeah

ROSEN and im supposed to tell you to watch your dreams which means thats how they're gonna communicate with you especially your father

RACHEL ok

ROSEN and something about the new car did your daughter just get a car

RACHEL aw jeez oh boy

(laughter)

RACHEL everyday of my life shes turning 16 this year and every day and get text and shes doin chores around the house thinking that shes gonna get a really nice car

ROSEN yeah well your dad

RACHEL on her 16th birthday

ROSEN yeah well your dad your dad seems to think she is and is hinting at you to get her the car so however you work that out

RACHEL he knows shes gonna get it

(crosstalk)

RACHEL (laughs)

DR. DON its gonna be a brand new pink hummer

ROSEN there you go

(crosstalk)

RACHEL that's so funny that's such a topic right now in my house is rachels car

STEVE im really glad you came on today rebecca because basically you're telling me basically im gonna die of a heart attack and you give rachel all this great news and i dont get crap

ROSEN(laughs) no no no no were here to keep you here ok so thats why its all preventative

What Do I Do...

2010-04-06T10:14:00.000-05:00

Go to google. Type "what do I do" in the search box.

Their recommendation was not very helpful.

The Internet Writes Itself

2010-04-05T14:42:00.001-05:00

Watch as Tom Foss performs a top rope elbow drop on an idiot claiming that homosexuality is the reason for child rape and the resulting cover-up in the Catholic church.

He even gets to say "fellating a cactus".

Two Different Ideas

2010-04-02T15:55:00.001-05:00

Why don't people separate certain ideas? Like, maybe there is a magical God/Gods but he/she/it/they didn't create the universe.

Caught you thought napping?

I've never met anyone claiming there is a God or Gods that could explain it to me. They usually tell me how we're not supposed to know.

How do you know that? And if it exists, how did it create the universe?

Google It!!

2010-04-01T17:02:00.000-05:00

I hate when morons B.S. me. Then they want me to do their research for them.

MORAN: Google "bigfoot" cuz u r teh stoopid!!!11!

ME: Google "bigfoot is bullshit". Now we're even. Have any more interesting things to convince me of?

The Equation

2010-03-31T17:34:00.004-05:00

It had been a long day working out of town. I went back to my hotel intending to crash like Tom Sizemore after a six-day weekend after going down to the bar to check out the final scores.

A girl came down and sat near me. I asked her what she was having and told the bartender to put it on my tab. We were having a nice two-minute single-serving conversation until I mentioned I was having a bad week. Then things got all weird.

SHE: Whenever I'm having a hard time, I remember I'm Working on The Equation.

She reached into her purse and handed me a worn piece of paper. It smelled like lip gloss, gum, cigarettes and cell phone. It simply said "X=Y".

SHE: What Equation are you Working on?

ME: Uh, I'm not working on anything.

To imagine the sneer she gave me, pretend you just watched me eat a baby whole.

SHE: Oh. You're one of those people. You know, it takes just as much Work to do no equation than it does to do The Equation.

This chick had totally lost me.

ME: You totally lost me. Why would I need to do work if I have no equation to work on?

SHE: Well, as you can see on The Paper, I'm Working on X=Y. You're Working on 0=0.

ME: No I'm not. Zero is still, like, an idea. I don't even have a piece of paper.

SHE: Well, you're just Working on 0=0 in your mind then. Everyone needs an Equation to Work on.

ME: Why are you working on X=Y?

SHE: Because without X=Y there would be no Math! It's the Origin of Algebra, the Alpha of Arithmetic!

I knew I was about to crack open a can of Wish I didn't.

ME: What makes you think X=Y?

She just didn't understand the concept. Like I had just come out of the bathroom wearing American flag Zoobaz pants and a see-through tank-top asking if I could wear it to the funeral.

SHE: Can you prove X doesn't Equal Y??

ME: Why should I? It's your equation.

SHE: Well if you can't prove It doesn't, then It probably does.

ME: Yeah, it could. X could be a base ten number and Y a base eight. Or X could represent it's own set like (3+3) and Y equal 9. But do you have any reason to think it does? X and Y are letters, so I'll take the easy route and say X and Y are different until you give me a reason to think otherwise.

SHE: I think you need to open your mind to the fact that The Paper says X=Y and we should Work on The Equation so there can be Math.

ME: Have you ever thought that even if X didn't equal Y there'd still be math?

SHE: I can't even imagine Math without X=Y.

ME: OK.

Wait for it...

ME: Maybe X does equal Y but it's not the origin of algebra. They're two separate thoughts, right? First you should show that X=Y. Then you can start working on the next problem: whether there's any reason to think that it's the alpha of arithmetic.

For the first time, the very countenance of this person changed. As if she was talking to Kermit the Frog this whole time, then suddenly noticed it was really a guy with his hand up a puppet's butt.

SHE: Well. Thanks for the drink.

Said with the enthusiasm of a DMV employee.

ME: No problem.

Good night Toots, you're welcome. Because everyone orders a $21 triple fuzzy sloe greyhound with a slice of cantaloupe and drinks half of it. Yeah, I finished it. Can you blame me?

I went back to my room and, after the head trauma subsided, fell asleep to a late night showing of "Adventures in Babysitting".